Gray
by cmere2
Summary: The Death Eaters are looking for Harry Potter. Remus knows where he is.


It's dark and cold and Remus doesn't know where he is.

He's sitting against a wall, naked, his arms bound to some pole above him; he can feel it on his hands, sharply cold. His entire body shivers.

"Hello?" His voice comes out a barely-audible croak and no one comes. Remus tries to remember how he got there or who did it but he can't – he can't remember much of anything, actually – he knows who he is and he still feels like himself, but something's missing.

He twists, trying to get the ropes off of his wrists muttering random spells in hope of something happening. He feels around the floor with his legs and feet but it's bare and cold, just like everything else, and he can't see a centimeter in front of his face. Minutes pass; he has no idea how long he's been sitting there before a door opens and light streams in, far too bright and cheerful for the position he's in. Two people walk in – a man and a woman, wearing dark robes, both with long, blonde hair and aristocratic features, but Remus doesn't recognize them. The man is holding a small stone basin. The woman waves a hand and light flares up around the border of the room; a row of candles line all four walls. Everything is gray concrete – floor, walls, ceiling. Remus blinks hard and wonders if he blends in.

"Shall I take care of him, Lucius?" the woman says quietly, glancing up at the man beside her.

"That sounds lovely, Narcissa. If he gets out of control, call me. Be careful." The man's voice is sharp.

"Yes, dear."

They kiss lightly and the man hands her – Narcissa? – the basin. He exits, closing the door behind him, and Narcissa walks slowly towards Remus, setting the basin beside him. He looks down; there's some sort of silvery substance swirling around in it, but Remus hasn't the slightest clue what it is. Narcissa waves a wand and a chair appears in front of Remus. She sits in it, crossing her legs carefully, and then speaks.

"Now, Lupin. I'm going to need you to tell me where Harry Potter is. I know this means nothing to you right now, but soon enough, you'll see what I'm talking about. Once you tell me, you can go."

The second she says Harry Potter, it's as if a light flickers on in Remus' mind – he knows where Harry Potter is. He just can't remember who Harry Potter is.

Narcissa dips her wand in the silvery substance and swirls it around until an image of a boy with untidy dark hair, bright green eyes, and glasses appears. She draws the wand up toward Remus' temple and the silver follows it; when she touches her wand to his head, images rush through his mind –

Harry at the hospital, being born. Harry on the floor of the train after seeing the Dementors. Harry's smiling face after he conjured his first Patronus. Harry's anguished scream after the death of someone (who, Remus can't tell). Harry being tortured by Death Eaters before disapparating with a pop –

They thought there was an anti-disapparation charm on him, Remus thinks dizzily. They thought he couldn't get away but he did and I didn't and now he's –

"Where, Lupin? Where is he?"

Remus is overwhelmed by his love for Harry. He doesn't know who this woman is, but he knows she will only try to hurt him. He shakes his head. "I don't know."

The second after he says it, the wand is back at his temple and it's being pulled away from him, slipping away like sand through fingers – _no, don't take Harry, I need him_ – but as soon as he thinks it, he can't remember why. He wonders who Harry is, and why he cares, but he knows he has a reason for caring, knows he can't go back on what he just felt.

"Where is Potter?"

"I don't know."

The woman slaps him, and his face is flung to the side. He looks up slowly.

"I don't want to hurt you, Lupin. Tell me."

Remus shakes his head.

"Sirius Black."

The name means nothing to Remus, but Narcissa prods her wand in the basin again and then back to his temple and he's _overwhelmed_ with images –

Sirius Black, his first friend at Hogwarts. Sirius kissing him underneath the Quidditch stands after a game. Sirius asking him if he wants to get a flat together after school. Sirius fucking him while Remus clings desperately to his arms. Sirius screaming at him to leave, _traitor_. Sirius going into Azkaban. Sirius' gaunt face in news. Sirius coming back and loving him like he'd never left. Sirius falling through the veil while someone screams –

"We can bring him back."

Remus twitches. "How?"

"There's a way. Where is Potter?"

Remus pauses. "I don't know."

"Do you want to see where Black is right now, Lupin? I can show him to you."

"You – what?"

Narcissa draws a large square in the air in front of Remus with her wand and then murmurs something, waving the wand in front of it. Sirius appears inside; it's like a television, Remus thinks, except…except…

Sirius is in a world of gray; he himself is gray. He is wandering aimlessly, looking lost, looking…unsure…_Sirius_…there are others, too, but they all seem to be walking in a haze, unable to see each other, unable to reach their destinations…for the first time since he woke up, Remus feels burning behind his eyes.

Narcissa eyes him. "Do you like the thought of him in there? Alone, wandering? Looking for something he'll never find?"

"I don't – I mean, I can't –"

"Tell me where Potter is. We'll bring him back," she whispers, and Remus wants to – it's on the tip of his tongue, all he has to do is say it – _do it_, a voice whispers inside his head. _You want Sirius back_.

"I want Sirius back," he whispers, twisting his arms. Narcissa grins.

"You can tell me, Remus, and we'll bring him back to you. I know you love him." She sounds almost kind.

"I do." It hurts to talk.

"Where is Harry Potter?"

Remus remains silent. He doesn't know what is holding him back; some sense of loyalty that he can't quite rid himself of, the feeling that telling would result in something terrible, that the last thing he's supposed to do is tell. That he should take this to his grave.

"I didn't want to do it, Lupin," she sighs, and strides to the door, murmuring something to someone outside of it and then closing it again. He watches as she casts a spell around herself and is shielded in a bright light; it drapes over her like a cloak, glowing, and Remus can feel its protection, even from the other side of the room. She walks back over and swirls her wand in the basin, then pressing it to his forehead again, and images flash through his mind at an almost ridiculous pace; he's reeling, he feels as though his mind is being picked apart, each memory sending a different jolt through his body – pain, pleasure, happiness, anger, desperation –

Not a minute later, before Remus can recover, the door opens again, and two Dementors walk in. Remus looks up shakily as they approach; he can feel life draining from him already. He knows now why he shouldn't have told about Harry but how is he supposed to withstand this? He shakes – he's going to die. He's going to die to save Harry and that's all he can do.

He wonders where he'll go – to the gray place with Sirius? Wandering, looking for him, wishing he could be with him again – or to somewhere else? Are they all there – Sirius and Lily and James and his parents and Dumbledore, just searching?

He hopes not.

It's his last thought before pain swallows him whole – his life begins to flash before his eyes, his first transformation and every single one after that but there's no waking up in the Shack with his friends, no comfort, just the _pain_, the knowledge of his terrible instincts as a wolf, that he's a born killer –

Sirius is the traitor, Sirius killed James and Lily and Peter and a street full of muggles and Remus can't do anything about it, he's going to Azkaban to have the life slowly sucked out of him until he's so dead Remus can't even recognize him anymore –

All those years alone, utterly _alone_, no solace in anything, the death of his parents, standing beside their graves and sobbing because they were all he had left –

Harry is there, and every time Remus sees Harry he sees James, James and Lily, Lily's green eyes staring at him from beneath James' black hair and Remus can't stop thinking about them, missing them, missing Sirius even though he's a cruel killer, a traitor, even though he hurt everyone and wrecked Remus' life –

Sirius is locked up at Grimmauld Place and full of rage, a rage not even Remus can calm, a crazy look in his eyes that sends Remus into the bedroom to get away from him because it hurts to see Sirius still _aching_ –

Sirius falls backwards through the veil and Harry screams and Remus can't move, can't speak, can only stare because Sirius has to come back through but he's not going to and Sirius can't leave him again but he just did and Remus grabs Harry, seeing the tears in his eyes because Sirius is gone and Sirius meant so much to both of them and Sirius is never coming back –

They're outside Hogwarts and Dumbledore falls, their last hope falls, Remus is bound at his hands and ankles and forced to watch as Peter and Bellatrix torture Harry, sending the Cruciatus at him again and again and watching him writhe on the ground, screaming, Remus can almost feel the white-hot pain burning through his body –

Remus is cold and alone in the gray concrete room, shaking and mumbling to himself as the Dementors approach him, closer and closer and closer and Remus wants to die right now because all his life consists of his pain and bad memories, anyway, and there's nothing left for him here.

Remus closes his eyes and screams, the sound echoing in the near-silent room, but all he hears are the jeers of the Death Eaters as they torture and the sound of Harry's pain.


End file.
